Diobelle Respect Life

A Post Script

2009-06-20T13:43:00.002-05:00

I want to add an important word of appreciation to visitors this past week; to those who prayed and especially to those who also shared. During the week one story came in that was too long for a comment box, so I have included it in the category "God's Love Heals" on the Respect Life website. Every story will be different, but there may well be similar threads. Hopefully this will help encourage understanding. Thank you again for those who engaged, and those who may still do so in the future.

Hope and Trust, Moving Forward Without Fear, Day 7 - last post for this series

2009-06-19T13:36:00.010-05:00

It seems that as we come to the concluding post for this series on Post-Abortion Healing, there is room to consider a follow-up series, sometime down the road. The topics covered this past week are big subjects, but in a way, they are also simple - that is to say not necessarily complicated, though not to imply easily practiced.

You will recall that we began with the an invitation to know that a person wounded by abortion is seen with love, not condemnation. You were invited to watch the "Silent No More" clip that showed women needn't remain hidden, suffering alone.

Then we remembered God's mercy for the unborn. With this post in mind I would like to invite you to consider the steps of naming your baby, of perhaps expressing your thoughts to your baby in a letter, poem, drawing - letting go of the pain and replacing it with the hope of a joyful reunion. You might want to visit a Memorial to the Unborn, where you can grieve, pray, continue to heal. There is a list of locations here.

The themes of anger, guilt, shame, and forgiveness all become tied together. In the comments we heard about staying focused on Christ, we heard about staying close to Him in prayer and in the sacraments, especially the Sacrament of Reconciliation. This experience (visiting the blog), being open to exploring post-abortion healing, and hopefully gaining better understanding, is a step. The USCCB Webpage (click here) for resources on the issue of Post-Aboriton has a number of articles of information and encouragement (for a specific example, click here). The National Office for Post Abortion Reconciliation and Healing is also a helpful resource for more information (click here). Another part of the healing is talking with people you trust, especially a pastor, or when necessary a counselor, to sort through honestly (in contrast to excusing away) where you need forgiveness, and where you need to forgive to get past the burden of anger.

One participant mentioned talking with a sister about her hurt, only to have it painfully returned to her. This certainly can happen; our families and communities are made up of people who love imperfectly; try to step back and be patient with them even as you are learning again to be gentle with yourself. Realize there may be times you just need to wait until you have made progress toward healing before talking with people inclined to judge; by then their judgment may sting, but it won't have your own self-condemnation to cling to.

Some people find healing by reaching out to help protect life by serving in ways that uphold the dignity of life. Of course this can be lived out in a wide variety of ways because all stages of life suffer threats and challenges and benefit from your help and compassion. Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you where you are needed...and then ask Him to help you say yes.

There may be parents who grieve after a decision for an abortion recommended by a physician after an adverse prenatal diagnosis. You may have submitted to the pressure (from others or from your own heartache) to end the pregnancy, and now suffer uncertainty, second guessing, guilt. Yes, this baby mattered too, right from conception; all life is precious, even when it requires a bittersweet journey. Rather than carry the burden of justifying your decision to deny a natural death, and rather than in anyway diminish the value of the life of your precious child, consider allowing yourself not only to grieve, but to be forgiven as well - it is the way to wholeness. End of life decisions are sometimes regretably needed even in the earliest stages of life. There is help in making moral decisions that respect the dignity of life(basic principles). Perhaps you can remember others who are faced with heartbreaking news in your prayers, that they may receive the grace and information they need to live up to the fullness of their own dignity by honoring the dignity inherent in even the most vulnerable.

We will conclude this final post, in the same way we did the past: with the challenge for all of us to live in a way that shares the love and mercy of Christ. Pope Benedict reminded us that "People who have Hope live differently." Pope John Paul II repeatedly challenged us to "Be not Afraid." I would like to encourage each of us to not be afraid to hope; to hope and trust in the love and mercy of God!

(Please know that while the series of posts have been completed, comments can still be added, though because they aren't as frequently monitored they may be moderated.)

Forgiveness and Reconciliation, Day 6

2009-06-18T10:57:00.001-05:00

In the previous post I proposed that even a friend who seemed supportive and offered to be OK with whatever choice a pregnant woman made was in fact compounding the experience of the unreliability of unconditional love. How can that be? How then is a friend suppose to respond and what does this have to do with the anger, guilt, and forgiveness we mean to discuss here?

Before going ahead I want to add one more crucial word, one more intense response, that a participant included in her comment to the post on “Anger.” Together with guilt she added the shame she has to deal with. These two are clearly linked, but nevertheless different. A person can deal with the guilt, can know she is forgiven by God, yet still be crushed by the shame that is her response to the response (perceived or real) of others towards her. Just as a woman’s decision for an abortion rarely is made in a vacuum, so too her healing isn’t able to be complete apart from community. Forgiveness and reconciliation isn’t a step by step linear process but a very multi-dimensional experience with crucial pivotal points that propel a person and community to live a forgiven and forgiving life.

Back to the friend…or parent…or faith community…How are they then to supportively respond if not by telling the woman that whatever choice she makes they will be OK with? They need to absolutely tell the truth that the new life she carries is a gift, no matter the circumstances of its beginning. Ways of assisting and finding help and working through economics, education, career, adoption considerations, etc. all come into play, but first comes the truth that this new life, just like hers, is a gift. As the woman processes this, she also needs to hear that choosing to end this life is a grave sin, a sin that will not only cost the life of the baby, but will hurt her too. Intertwined with this truth, communicated always with compassion and respect, is the commitment to still love her if she falls, humbly remembering that each of us depends on mercy.

She may still choose an abortion, but when she returns and receives your love, grief-stricken though it may be, at least a couple of things happen. One, you are there to help encourage better choices (she really doesn’t want to go through this again – which happens with increasing frequency – and you did speak with a compassionate conviction that will resonate someday as true), and you have modeled for her the forgiveness she needs for herself. This is the pivotal point for this post’s topic.

In the Lord’s Prayer we pray, “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” The woman who so desperately needs forgiveness hears that somehow this forgiveness is linked to her forgiving others. How can she begin to forgive those against whom she has so much anger? She needs to see such unconditional love modeled around her to even begin to trust that she might be able to experience it herself. Far more powerful than the kind of support a woman gets from those who will agree with her about something that she knows isn’t a good thing, is the love a woman experiences for the person she is despite the things she has done. But before she will be willing to trust that such love exists and is reliable, she needs to see it in action – even at a distance. She is watching. Only when she feels safe enough to let go of the protective armor of anger by seeing ahead a refuge of hope will she begin to forgive others, and so begin to open the door to trust in God’s forgiveness for her.

This post then about “Forgiveness and Reconciliation” is really a challenge to all of us, whether as those whose lives have been touched because of direct participation in an abortion, or who have been touched by abortion through the grief of loss of life and the impact of the consequent diminishing value of life in our culture. We are all called to form communities of reconciliation, to treat one another with kindness and respect, to be patient with one another, and to model for the world the love of Christ. Truth? Absolutely, but always with love.

For you dear one standing wounded, wondering where this love is. I promise that you have not been abandoned and that forgiveness and healing are available. If you have watched and heard more arguing between Christians than love, please look deeper. Remember that we, like you, are weak; but keep looking and you will find people who care, people who do not condemn, people who understand and want to help. But even more, if you will look to the core of this community that is called to be a community of love and reconciliation, you will find Christ. You will find a crucifix, a scandal to the world, but the answer to the outstretched arms of embrace you long for. Fix your eyes on Christ and you will know that His gazed is fixed not on what you have done, but on you. It is you He sees, you He loves.

Anger, Day 5

2009-06-16T10:15:00.009-05:00

Anger may not be the first emotion that comes to mind for someone who imagines a woman causally making the decision to have an abortion. But anger can be an almost consuming emotion for those women who have gone through an abortion at the encouragement of others they trust, or even the insistence of those on whom they depend. Even for the woman who felt she had “choices,” anger can become an issue to grapple with before experiencing healing.

Consider a young woman, maybe still a teenager, who is very conflicted about the pregnancy; ashamed/afraid to tell her parents, concerned about what this will mean to the relationship with the baby's father - who may or may not have been genuinely emotionally involved with the mother, concerned/uncertain/excited about future plans even before the news of the pregnancy. In the middle of all this, there are at least moments when she considers that this is the very beginning of a life that is a part of her, half of the baby's DNA is hers (now she may not be thinking DNA, but she knows in her mother's heart that this baby is no stranger), and she can imagine the child in her arms.

When those around her deny the baby they also deny her. Even when she herself is overwhelmed and not interested in keeping the baby, a part of her sees the response of others to the baby as a judgment of her own value as a person. When friends drift away, when parents consider her unready and/or the baby that is hers to be too much of a burden, when the father wants (at best) only her, but not the life created in the union of two of them together, she is confronting face to face the unreliability of the "love" she thought she could trust. It is not the experience of unconditional love.

This will be true even when she desires the abortion. At some level not only has she said that the value of another's life is dependant on something/someone else, but so have the people all around her who encourage the abortion or are even simply "supportive of whatever she chooses." She has been face to face with the current culture that life is disposable, it doesn't really have its own value, unless it first meets certain conditions. Now, true she may not be thinking these things in this way, but it has become her lived experience. (The ways to cope with this may include alchohol or drugs to numb the memory, hesitancy to trust in new relationships, getting pregnant again quickly, needing to excel in other areas seeking to somehow compensate or prove one's self worth....)

As regards to anger, the range of emotional response can be from very directed anger toward people who pushed her toward an abortion she didn’t want, to a general anger about the circumstances that went wrong that caused her to “need” an abortion, to a vague disappointment in life. It can be directed against God. It can be directed toward herself, and be lived as depression.

The anger can also be immediate, or buried and turn up later when it occurs to her that the things she was told and believed, “it’s just tissue,” “everything will be all right,” “think of the children you will have later…” were not right. She realizes: "It was not just tissue. Everything is not all right when I am driven to be pro choice because I can’t confront the truth about what my abortion might say about me if I admit that I took a life. The children I may or may not have later will never replace their brother or sister who wasn’t born." Now she is angry/depressed about the injustice and betrayal of the people who had walked her comfortably toward the “choice.” She may be angry at the Church for not having spoken more clearly and compassionately. She may be angry at God for not intervening…

But the anger doesn’t offer healing; it doesn’t take away the guilt. It just hurts and creates walls where arms of compassion are needed instead. Because dealing with the feelings of guilt and anger both are linked to forgiveness, “Forgiveness and Reconciliation” will be the subject of the next post.

Aftermath, Day 4

2009-06-16T08:33:00.010-05:00

Immediately after an abortion a woman may feel relieved, or she may feel absolute self loathing and despair, or she may not feel at all. She may feel betrayed by the people she trusted who she thought would love the baby as she did, or she may feel trapped by circumstances in her life she thought forced her to make a decision that wasn't her choice. She may feel empowered to know that she can take control of this area of her life (maybe in contrast to the feeling of being used or exploited in other ways, or to compliment a pattern of self-serving control in all areas of her life) and be content that "after all, it is only tissue."

Whatever the range of immediate feelings, whether she carried them with her into the abortion facility, walked out with a different set than she carried in, or afterwards boxed the memory away ready to feel nothing at all, as the months and years pass the experience of the abortion is a part of who she is and her response to the experience will be part of who she becomes. On this page (click here) from the National Office of Post-Abortion Reconciliation and Healing you can read some of the Aftermath of Abortion.

Sometimes a woman who thinks she was OK with the abortion will experience some of these symptoms and not know why; what's more, if the symptoms are in fact her coping/response to the abortion(s) she may have difficulty identifying the link because she steps all around it rather than face what threatens to be greater hurt. But there is hope, there can be healing. In the last post the key to healing was given. Hope in God's mercy isn't only for the unborn. In the next post we will discuss anger, an obstacle and distraction to healing - especially when used as a coping tool.

Trust God's Mercy! Day 3

2009-06-15T08:48:00.005-05:00

Sometimes before a woman (or anyone involved in an obtaining an abortion) can begin to approach God seeking mercy, they need first to have hope in God's mercy for the unborn child. Actually, as alluded to in the previous post, the subject of God's mercy is not only an issue for abortion, but can also be a comfort for parents who suffered miscarriage, or the death of any unbaptized infant.

There was a common belief and teaching, though not a dogma, about Limbo, which offered little comfort. After years of study, a report was released that "the Vatican's International Theological Commission said there are good reasons to hope that babies who die without being baptized go to heaven." A Catholic News Service article on the report can be found here.

This hope is important to remove the despair that may accompany fear that a child has been denied heaven because he or she has not been baptized. This hope of heaven for the child is also important to strengthen the mother's openness to the God of mercy for herself, that she too may enjoy salvation and so be reunited with her child.

David Reardon, in "The Jericho Plan: Breaking Down the Walls Which Prevent Post-Abortion Healing," outlines some scriptural reasons for our hope for God's mercy toward these little ones, with passages about God's special love for children (Matthew 18;1-2,10,14; Luke 18:15-16). He also reminds all of us that hope for God's mercy for the babies further compels us to reach out to the mothers who suffer.

Salvation and heaven for the unborn is not a dogmatic certainty. We don't presume upon the mercy of God, but the Church offers strong encouragement to trust in God's desire for their salvation and we trust He provides the way, through his mercy. Pope John Paul II in Evangelium Vitae, 99, adds: "nothing is definitively lost and you (addressing the women and men who have procured abortions) will also be able to ask forgiveness from your child, who is now living in the Lord."

Grief for the loss of an unborn child, Day 2

2009-06-13T13:00:00.012-05:00

One of the intense emotional fallouts after an abortion can be profound grief at the loss of the unborn baby, and the life that could have been lived. This is captured in a song by Jaime Thietten, "My Chance." Yesterday I mentioned that I have not experienced the journey of abortion; however, I have experienced some of the pain that a post-abortive woman feels with the grief at the loss of an unborn child. We had a miscarriage with our second pregnancy - in this short video clip there is a phrase that will offer some comfort to anyone who has suffered such loss. Tomorrow I will share a couple of short paragraphs on the hope we can have in God's mercy for these children. Until then I would like simply to invite you to listen to this and encourage you to be comforted. "A Baby's Prayer (Click here)," written by Kathy Troccoli. For the lyrics Click Here. (I wouldn't recommend looking at other "related" YouTube videos - some are not helpful.)

Introduction to Post-Abortion Conversation, Day 1

2009-06-12T09:31:00.014-05:00

This introductory post officially begins the "Blog Conversation" on post-abortion wounds and healing. Before starting I looked over the introductory remarks from last year's conversation on Humanae Vitae. I acknowledged in that conversation that I would rely on other participants to discuss the lived experience of faithfulness to that teaching, as it was not my experience. My husband and I are converts and were not exposed to the teaching during the years when it would have been especially relevant. I don't presume to assume what our response would have been at the time; I hope it would be faithfulness, but I know I am different now than I was then. I appreciate the willingness of the different participants to engage that time!

In a similar way, during this conversation we will again rely on other participants to share the lived experience of life after an abortion. I have not personally journeyed that road, though I have walked alongside others (friends, family, and especially through Project Rachel) whose experiences have helped me better understand the journey. Also like the last subject, I am not sure what my response would have been had I needed to confront an unexpected pregnancy years/decades ago. Again, I hope I would have chosen life, but I hesitate to be certain. I know that I am vulnerable to making profoundly wrong decisions, especially when I am poorly informed, emotionally involved, feel pressured to meet other people's expectations, if I am afraid, or feel like I need to take control of an out of control situation.

During this week we will likely see that there are as many varied responses to abortion as there are women who have had them. There are different stages; the immediate relief a woman may feel can mask a deep sense of guilt and grief that later can abruptly emerge upon the birth of another child or some other trigger. The frequent anger and shame coupling the grief and guilt can handicap a woman in other relationships, or can spark destructive behaviors to mask the pain. This discussion may seem to make generalizations; hopefully in the comments - where the conversation is likely to be most fruitful - people will be open to sharing their own journey and help one another.

Last year Pope Benedict proposed that the best response to those wounded by abortion (as well as divorce in the context of the specific remarks) is not condemnation, but "the attitude of merciful love." He added that "the Church has the primary duty to approach them with love and sensitivity, with maternal care and attention, to proclaim the closeness of the merciful God in Jesus Christ" which will "bring help and enable victims to rise up again and resume the course of their lives." He asks wounded women to "not give in to discouragement and to not lose hope...The Father of mercies is ready to give you His forgiveness and His peace in the Sacrament of Reconciliation."

Please be aware that this conversation isn't meant to replace other crucial steps in the journey toward healing, especially including the Sacrament of Reconciliation, possibly counseling (especially when necessary to grapple with issues that can arise over years of coping alone with the pain), the support of friends/family, and/or other people who have shared the experience. But this can be one of those steps. Please enter the week prayerfully and with compassion and respect for each person walking on the journey.

You are invited today (and of course the invitation is open throughout the week) to introduce yourself if you like. Perhaps your story can be of help to someone else. Or, perhaps you would like to share something you hope to learn during this week. Perhaps you can share what sparked your interest in visiting the conversation. If you are considering this subject for the first time, perhaps never having listened to anyone who has been there, you might want to begin with the video clip by the "Silent No More" awareness campaign that is posted on the bottom of the Respect Life home page (click here) ...For the ease of conversation while maintaining privacy for such a personal subject, a nick name may be preferred. As noted in "Comments 101" above you are also welcome to contact me off blog if that is helpful.

Collapsed at work - being evicted (Final St Vincent dePaul Housing Post)

2009-03-28T10:46:00.002-05:00

Belinda is 56 years old and divorced. She has always taken care of herself and has lived in a nice apartment paying $825 month. December 15th she collapsed at work. The Doctor told her she would have to be off work 10 weeks. She applied for short-term disability. She has been paying premiums monthly. Three weeks ago she was informed that she was 2 days shy of qualifying for that disability. She has no income. She has no family. She is being evicted in 10 days. She does not know what to do with her belongings or where to go. The Society of St. Vincent de Paul is helping her. Temporary housing must be found. She is slumping into a deep depression.

Where can they go?

2009-03-28T10:45:00.000-05:00

Rhonda and Tim are in their forties. They are engaged and have always enjoyed a comfortable lifestyle. Tim has been employed with a company for many years making a decent salary. Rhonda is a hairdresser. They have always paid their bills on time-until now. They have no savings. Three weeks ago, Tim was let go at work due to downsizing. Rhonda meanwhile had a devastating accident and will be unable to work for months while she recovers from serious injuries. The rent is due, neither is eligible for unemployment and they are scared. The Society of St. Vincent de Paul is helping them. Their rent is $750 a month and they are going to have to move. There is no way possible they can afford their present rent with zero income. Where can they go?

Sons try to Help

2009-03-28T10:41:00.003-05:00

Debra and Jack have been married for 20 years. Jack lost his minimum wage job due to the economy. A chronic nervous condition has prevented Debra from working for years. They have two sons ages 16 and 18-both in special education. The high school found a job for the oldest son 3 days a week bussing tables. The younger boy is just starting a similar job. The family rents a house in rural St. Clair County for $125 month. They heat with kerosene. The Society of St. Vincent de Paul is assisting them. Theirs is a classic case of substandard housing and poverty.

When a medical emergency changes everything

2009-03-28T10:34:00.005-05:00

Cindy and Robert are married with three children. The oldest child, age 7, became extremely ill in June and required hospitalization for almost 6 months for a deadly infection. The family is grateful-the child has remarkably recovered. Through the traumatic illness, Robert, a skilled carpenter, lost his job because he was missing too much time to be at the hospital. Cindy, consumed with caring for her gravely ill son and other children ages two and four, was also missing work. Unable to catch up on back rent, the family was recently evicted from their home. Possessions lost, they have been reduced to living in their car and begging family and friends for a place to stay whenever possible. Their son returned to school in January. Cindy is back to work as a dishwasher and Robert has been pounding the pavement looking for work as a carpenter. The Society of St. Vincent de Paul is working to find them affordable housing. For the present, the family will be in a shelter. They are grateful. They are together…

Open Adoptive Birthparent (Final Adoption Week Post)

2008-11-12T10:39:00.004-06:00

I was shocked when I unexpectedly became pregnant. I asked my family attorney for some advice as to what to do. He referred me to Catholic Social Services of Southern Illinois, and it was there that I learned what an open adoption was. As soon as I heard about openness I knew that an open adoption was what I wanted. Knowing about openness really made me more secure in the decision that I was making. It was very important to me to find a family that I felt comfortable with because I was looking for a certain amount of openness. It was through a mutual friend that I found the family I had been searching for. After a great deal of soul searching and research I made the decision to place my child for adoption.
The first time I met the family I knew they were the parents I wanted for my child. They were friendly and warm. I knew they would give my child a lot of love. The family was supportive of every decision made throughout the process. They attended doctor’s visits with me and they were also in the delivery room. Sharing the experience at the hospital allowed for us to grow much closer. Today we share visits, phone calls and pictures. We planned his first birthday party together. The open adoption allows me to be a part of his life. Sometimes I worry that the family will feel I am interfering. But I recognize that they are his parents. I want the security of knowing my son is thriving and being loved unconditionally.

The scariest part of this experience for me was saying goodbye at the hospital. I was very emotional and sad, even though I did have emotional support from my family and co-workers. I felt as though I was losing a part of myself, and it was an emotional time. The family was very supportive during this time as well. They could see that I was in a lot of emotional pain. They were respectful of my time in the hospital with the baby.

I would not change a thing about my adoption experience, and if I had the same decision to face I would choose open adoption. My advice to other birthparents is to give it a lot of thought, and have as much support as possible. I believe that knowing all of the options and talking to someone I could trust helped me make my decision. I believe that open adoption is a wonderful thing, and that all birthparents should consider openness as it gives a sense of security in knowing that their child is happy and healthy and most importantly receiving lots of love.

Dawn

Open Adoptive Family

2008-11-12T10:37:00.000-06:00

We had been trying to have a child since we got married eight years ago. After several years of not becoming pregnant and going through different fertility specialists we decided that adoption would be the way we were going to build our family. A friend told us about a woman looking for a family for her unborn baby. We were excited, yet scared at the same time. We knew the birth mom was eight months pregnant already. We decided to meet with her.

We were very nervous the day we met Dawn for the first time. We had so many questions we wanted to ask her. When we met her she was so nice and we felt comfortable with her. We told her how much we wanted a child, and everything we had been going through. At the end of our meeting she told us she wanted us to adopt her baby. We exchanged numbers and stayed in close contact with her throughout the remainder of her pregnancy. She wanted us to be as involved as possible. We got to be in the delivery room.

At first we were not familiar with open adoption and were nervous about being involved with birthparents. But after meeting Dawn and the birthfather we knew it was a good match and felt very comfortable. Our families have a lot of similarities. Good communication is important. We discussed the expectations of the birthparents ahead of time and were in agreement with the amount of openness we all wanted to share. We really feel that this was the perfect match. We have not had any problems with meeting these expectations. We all want what is best for the baby.

We have a very supportive network of family and friends. Our baby is blessed with so many people who love him. We keep in contact with the birthparents through phone and pictures. We also have visits for special occasions. We plan to be honest with our baby about adoption. He will know his birthparents.

We would not change a thing about our experience. We are comfortable with our child’s birthparents and want them to be a part of our lives. We recommend that others consider an open adoption, as we would do it again in a heartbeat.
Elizabeth and Colin

Thailand Adoption

2008-11-12T10:36:00.003-06:00

When we realized that we would not be able to conceive children biologically we decided to look into International Adoption. Our friends and family were supportive of our decision to adopt, but did think that we should keep trying to conceive. We originally thought about adopting through Korea but made our final decision to adopt our little girl from Thailand. We had friends that adopted from Thailand and it had been a positive experience for them. The whole process took about 2 years and even though the wait was frustrating it was worth it. There was a lot of paperwork to complete but the overall process as a smooth one.

We traveled to Thailand and were able to learn about and see the culture in which their daughter was born. It as a long trip but the experience was very neat. We were there for about 12 days and got to meet our daughter’s foster family. We were able to get a lot of important information such as medical and birth parent history. We were also able to get pictures of our daughter, which has been important in putting together a life/baby book. If you have the chance to go to the country when getting your child, you should go.

Even though our daughter knew no one when she was brought to the U.S., she was able to adjust very quickly to the new culture. Although she understood only Thai, she picked up the English language quickly.

We do believe that our daughter should maintain her cultural heritage and in order to do that we talk with her about her foster family in Thailand, and show her pictures as well. We go out for Thai food and watch T.V. programs that describe Thai culture. We think it is important for all international adoptive parents to stay open to their child’s culture.

The challenge of completing an International adoption is having to complete so much paperwork. But, if you have a good agency to work with it makes a huge difference.

We want others who are adopting internationally or thinking about it to know that it will happen and to hang in there because it is so wonderful. We hope that we will be able to adopt internationally again. People often say to us that our daughter is so lucky to have us, but we feel that we are the lucky ones to have her.

Mike and Jamie

Adopting from Foster Care

2008-11-12T10:32:00.000-06:00

After finding out early on that we were unable to have children, we decided that adoption would be the way we made our family. We began the process by foster parenting and were able to adopt our first 2 children in 1990, a year after living with them. Several years later and a move to a new home, we felt ready to foster again. Shortly after that, our second sibling group came and were adopted in 2005, after 4 1/2 years as foster children. As a family, we keep in contact with one Birthmother and Birthfather through letters, pictures, and phone calls.

When asked about the transition and adjustment phase of older children, we say that it wasn’t "too dramatic". However, the bonding process of an older child versus an infant is a lot of work. The older kids are frightened, angry, sad, and do not trust you. Our family was dedicated in providing consistent stability, extra love, and a lot of patience.

Our biggest challenge in adopting older children from the foster care system is the absolute uncertainty of it all and dealing with children who have been hurt in some way. Despite the difficult and sometimes painful circumstances, the end result has been worth every second.

When asked to give advice to other parents who become foster parents with the hope of adopting, we suggest to be prepared for a very wild ride because it probably won't be easy or fast.

Our words of wisdom are....."Things may not work out the way you'd hope, but God has a plan for each child and each family. If He means for you to be the parents of a particular child, you can be assured that you will be".

The Mueller family

Biracial Infant Adoption

2008-11-12T10:29:00.001-06:00

My husband and I began trying to conceive a child about 3 years ago. Very soon after, we realized that what we would have to go through medically to conceive was more than either of us wanted. We contacted Catholic Social Services to discuss adoption and chose to adopt through their Adoption from the Heart program. In the beginning, the process seemed daunting and the wait was at times excruciating. However, I believe everything happens for a reason and knew that God would give us our child when the time was right. He did. My grandmother prayed for us to have a child even in the last weeks of her life. She passed away in December of last year, and my mom and I were beside ourselves with grief. Three weeks later, I received an unexpected phone call from our adoption specialist. She informed us that a baby girl had been born early that morning and the birthmother wanted to place the baby for adoption. We literally had only a few hours to make a decision, although the decision was made before our conversation was over! Four days later, a beautiful baby girl arrived at her new home. Our daughter has been a blessing to our family. I will always wonder if my grandma was somehow part of this little miracle. I like to think so.

It is important to recognize that the adoption process can be lengthy. It was 2 years between the time we first met with CSS and finally had our daughter placed with us. Then it was another 8 months before the adoption was finalized through the court system. Patience is a virtue, but we wouldn’t do anything any different.

The one thing I tried to do along the way was talk about adoption with family and friends so they understood the process. I thought it funny that everyone always assumed we were adopting a child from another country so be ready for any kind of comments or questions!

Our daughter is biracial, Caucasian and African American, and my husband and I are both Caucasian. Although we had initially wanted a Caucasian infant, neither of us hesitated for a moment at accepting a biracial child into our home. Although I’m sure there will be challenges as our daughter grows up, it has been relatively challenge-free so far. There will always be people who stare or ask too many questions, but that is something that, as parents, we simply deal with and move on. Our daughter has darker skin than both of us, but we don’t really see that. We see big, brown eyes, dark curly hair, long eyelashes, and two pearly white front teeth, and we love her.

I started our daughter’s baby book long before she was born. It includes pictures from my childhood, as well as my husbands, and pictures of us together and with our families. As our daughter grows, so will her baby books! We don’t have much information on her birthparents, and I know that will become challenging in the future. I think it is extremely important for adoptive parents to be open to discussing a child’s past and birthparents, and not to hide anything from your child. Our daughter will become curious about her past at some point, which is only natural, and we will share what we know.

Although our daughter is bi-racial and very American, the first question that acquaintances ask is where she is from, as though assuming she is from another country. I simply smile and say southern Illinois! This has been the most rewarding part of our life.

When my aunt heard that we had finally had an infant placed with us, she commented on how lucky the baby was to have us. She may be right, but it is us who are lucky, and blessed, to have been graced with such a beautiful little girl.

We are Jeff and Niki Davis. Our little bundle of joy is named Phoebe Marie. We are open to talking with you about adoption if you have any questions. If you wish to contact us, you may call Reta Kendall in the Carbondale office.

Adopting from China

2008-11-12T09:59:00.003-06:00

When we get asked if there is anything we would change about our adoption experience, we always laugh and say “I would have taken a heavier coat to China!”

When we began thinking about starting our family through adoption, we were faced with the important decisions of when, where, how, and what kind of adoption to pursue. We put our faith in God and believed that God would show us the path to our child. Once we opened up to the different signs, we realized that our precious daughter was in China.

We began the process of international adoption through China in August 2002. The process took us 18 months. We admit the process was long and at times frustrating. But staying focused and knowing that we were going to start our family once we got through the paperwork, the wait, and the travel made the whole experience exciting and enjoyable. We had the full support of their family and friends.

We traveled to bring our 12 month old daughter home in February 2004. Prior to meeting Madison Grace for the first time, we were able to do some site seeing. We took pictures to bring these important pieces of Madison’s heritage back with us.

On the third day of our trip to China, we saw our daughter for the first time. We were excited, nervous, and relieved all at once. We brought our new addition home where she has been showered with love ever since.

Madison is going to be 6 years-old in January. She is a very active, adventurous, intelligent, and happy little girl. She has many characteristics of both of us. Although she was born in another country, Madison Grace was made for our family.

We feel it is very important to celebrate Madison’s heritage. We belong to a group in Southern Illinois for internationally adopted children. The group gets together a few times a year to celebrate Chinese celebrations such as the Chinese New Year and the Moon Festival.

It has been impossible for us to complete a traditional baby book for Madison. We had to become creative and focus on the milestones we have achieved. We have been able to find some baby book pages that are specific to international adoption. We know that eventually Madison will be curious about her heritage and her birth parents. We believe in honesty and openness. We will answer Madison’s questions as they come.

We would like to let others know that our adoption journey was wonderful. Everyone seems to have a horror story about international adoption. The media tends to expose the bad situations and overlook the good experiences. Looking back, we know that the process had to go the way it did; otherwise we wouldn’t have ended up with our Madison Grace. Although the process was difficult, we wouldn’t change a thing, except for taking a heavier coat.

Jason and Marcey

Growing Together (Final Humanae Vitae Week Post)

2008-08-30T11:23:00.007-05:00

I appreciate Laura’s input (see first Anonymous, signed Laura) in the comments about presenting HV to the confirmation classes. I do encourage anyone in a similar circumstance to talk with the priest and/or DRE at the parish where you were taught, perhaps to first inquire what guidelines and checks they have in place to ensure that children are receiving solid teaching in this area. This is a reasonable inquiry. Our conversation here has shown (and common experience no doubt confirms) that there is a learning/conversion curve and people are at different places on that curve - even while otherwise they may the compassionate and faithful mentors and examples we appreciate for our children. This is an area that requires sensitivity and clarity with catechists, who may need to leave the sexual morality block to be taught by someone who in good conscience and competence can present the Catholic teaching. It is admittedly regrettable that we have such fragmentation among Catholics, but it is also the reality in our own lives and should neither surprise nor discourage us.

We are a people on a journey, none here have yet arrived. The beauty is that we can learn and be shaped by one another, and this because of the reality of Christ's presence within and uniting us. Whatever our own passion, we are quick to see the shortcoming of our brother/sister in that area, and indeed (especially in areas of faith and morals as they are being passed on to others) they may need to be addressed, though always with love. There is an important follow up to this. We do well to carefully consider the passion of the other, for quite possibly it will reveal for us an area where we need to be better set on course and/or strengthened. How their passion informs us may not be immediately evident when we disagree. We can’t stop there. As an example, few people who embrace the teachings of HV do so because they are simply passionate about self-discipline in marital relations. There is a deeper reason, a "why." If, when we consider one another's passions, we don't agree with what we see, perhaps by going below the surface we will discover there a reason for the passion which we really can embrace, and maybe have too long ignored. It is reasonable to begin with the thought that the original spark for a person's passions (including my own) is good, even if later it got misdirected or distorted.

Sometimes in order to move forward it really is necessary to go back first, to go deeper and prayerfully check our course, open to the possibility that some adjustment may be necessary, and this "adjustment" may well mean repentance and confession. The truly good news is that this possibility is open to us. Whether it be in areas of morality, devotion, charity, or justice we are all stronger because we are not alone, there is guidance and help. Most obviously the strengthening is because of being in relationship with the Holy Trinity, the Blessed Mother, and the saints. It is also because of being incorporated into the Church, being guided by her teachings and strengthened by the sacraments. And very importantly we are strengthened by one another, through direct assistance, through prayer, and through the awareness of the different places we are in our journey - even the periodic resultant scraping that exposes room for growth. In our strengths and in our weaknesses may we be open to learning form one another, and committed to praying for and acting charitably toward one another.

Have there been, or do you currently recognize, an area revealed to you by the life of someone you disagree with where you can grow spiritually and which will be deomstrated by a change in some behavior? (For me, I was really challenged by the witness of people I worked with while preparing the "Faithful Citizenship" seminar last Spring to recognizing areas I had previously neglected, but where they are actively involved in ways that require genuine sacrifice. The willingness to change my life for the common good is an area I need to more fully embrace and put into action.)

A Calendar Note

2008-08-29T14:54:00.006-05:00

May 1, 2009, Christopher West is scheduled to present Theology of the Body to the priests in the afternoon. In the evening there may be a presentation for an undeterminded audience, May 2 will be a full day presentation for a public audience. Locations and costs are yet to be determined, but it is a date to pencil in and reserve!

Consequenses and Contradictions

2008-08-29T00:45:00.009-05:00

Challenges against the Catholic Church about the teaching opposing contraception sometimes portrays the Church as a hindrance against the war on HIV/AIDS, STDs in general, poverty, and over population. Let me bring it home. Yesterday I was speaking with the director of Catholic Urban Programs here in our diocese. We were sharing concerns about the need to raise awareness about the plight of the poor and about participating in fund raising with organizations whose efforts include methods inconsistent with our teachings on contraception. In the conversation he remarked that within this past week he had over 20 new clients, including several young never married mothers each with multiple children, each with different fathers.

The needs of the poor keep rising, and compel us as we are moved with compassion, to act on their behalf; but the frustration that is stirred up seeing some of the circumstances is enough to tempt anyone to wonder about suspending the teaching about contraception. This is when it is particularly important to appreciate that we have a teaching office in the church that continues to clearly articulate the truth and the vision of how things are meant to be - according to God's design and good intentions towards us - even when that vision is distorted by the culture and we are tempted to use a quick fix. We can be confident that any solutions that we depend on to address the problems we face (and the problems of the poor are shared by us all) that are morally flawed will at best only feed or create different problems.

"In preserving intact the whole moral law of marriage, the Church is convinced that she is contributing to the creation of a truly human civilization. She urges man not to betray his personal responsibilities by putting all his faith in technical expedients. In this way she defends the dignity of husband and wife." (p 18)

Only by maintaining an integral wholeness, linking faith and morals to the way we live, do we live up to our dignity (and promote the same in others), otherwise we are fragmented individuals, families and societies. In fact, separating individual interests from those of families is a symptom of this fragmentation - in our faith the basic unit of society isn't the individual, but the family. The very belief we have in the triune nature of God, of individuals being born into new life through baptism into the Body of Christ, the Church, demonstrates this communal nature of God's design. This design doesn't include individuals set adrift, with autonomous control over themselves, and with "privacy" being so sacrosanct and to make vulnerable one life to the "choice" of another. A "truly human civilization" doesn't encourage morally flawed options to help raise its citizens from one set of threats to dignity only to embrace another.

This brings us back to the needs of the poor who are marginalized from the means of providing very basic means of survival and opportunities to thrive. Because we are a human family even the efforts here in Southern Illinois can have a far reaching impact. The specific awareness effort and fund raiser that was referenced above does help immediate needs here, but at the same time 75% of the funds are distributed world wide, and specifically to agencies helping to provide health care in poor nations. The problem is that for many of the agencies the cornerstone of reproductive health care and HIV/AIDS prevention is contraception. The contradiction however is that Uganda, the nation with the strongest abstinence emphasis, has had the most dramatic decrease in the incidence HIV/AIDS.

"But it comes as no surprise to the Church that she, no less than her divine Founder, is destined to be a "sign of contradiction." She does not, because of this, evade the duty imposed on her of proclaiming humbly but firmly the entire moral law, both natural and evangelical." (p 18) It shouldn't also be a surprise, but rather a profound ray of encouragement and hope, when we see good fruit result from faithfulness.

Are there efforts to help our vulnerable neighbor that we can enhance by more fully integrating our faith in a way that shares with them the reason for our hope?

No need to wait

2008-08-28T23:13:00.007-05:00

There has been repeated the desire/need to hear teaching from the priests on the subject of Humanae Vitae. I would like to remind all of us that we can gather to study without waiting for the parish priest to teach. There is a wealth of information available to assist in continued adult formation (HV would well be studied as part of an overall push to better broadly understand the teaching of the faith, and to strengthen our relationship with God and neighbor). There is much that is readily accessible on-line (including encyclicals and the catechism). Additionally, there are suggested resources for small faith communities that many parishes in the diocese use. Another idea is to start a book discussion group, with selections to include at least an occasional encyclical or other Church document. The USCCB has published a very user friendly United States Catholic Catechism for Adults that has been well formatted for group study ("Our Sunday Visitor" in fact has published a fine study guide with 36 lessons to use with it).

While it would be a blessing if the priest is willing and able to guide such study, if he is unavailable small groups could still form to study, discuss, support, and pray for one another, and welcome others to join. Many parishes (perhaps most) have one model or another of this going on, but if there is a particular theme or format you think would be helpful it may just be a matter of proposing to host/facilitate it and you will discover a supportive priest and people who would be glad to join. (I would also be willing to explore, if there is interest, having an ongoing "Walk Through the Catechism" with the above mentioned USCCB Catechism - that people could purchase for themselves - and use the study guide to direct a monthly chapter study. We could have perhaps different people "facilitate" a "virtual session".....)

I do believe that the more firmly grounded we are in our faith, the closer we draw ourselves into the mysteries and participate in the sacraments, especially the Eucharist, the more the Holy Spirit will be able to work within us, conforming us to the image of Christ. We will further grow in responding with His response to the world around us, beginning by recognizing our own dignity and design, and that in others. Authentic Respect for Life will certainly flow from that.

(In the meantime, because a sermon on the teachings in Humanae Vitae may not be common, so that you will have "no need to wait" to hear one, here is a link that Fr Robert Zwilling from our diocese provided in a comment for interested readers. It is an honest, faithful and life affirming homily.)

"Family Apostlate"

2008-08-27T23:23:00.002-05:00

The document reaches out to various groups with the way the teaching touches on their vocation and calls them to respond. For example in p 24 I liked the practical nature of the exhortations to the scientists - some listened, and what is now available to couples is not the same as the "rhythm method" decades ago. The following paragraph actually is something that has already happened in some of the comments here in a small, virtual kindof way:

26. Among the fruits that ripen if the law of God be resolutely obeyed, the most precious is certainly this, that married couples themselves will often desire to communicate their own experience to others. Thus it comes about that in the fullness of the lay vocation will be included a novel and outstanding form of the apostolate by which, like ministering to like, married couples themselves by the leadership they offer will become apostles to other married couples. And surely among all the forms of the Christian apostolate it is hard to think of one more opportune for the present time.

One area that could be helpful from couples who do embrace and practice the teachings of HV is to share with others how they came to this mutual decision. What was the ground work ... prayer, study, time for discussion (with one another and others), perhaps reconciliation? You might add how challenges were addressed, especially if the level of committment didn't strengthen at the same pace... and the benefits of course as well.

"Authentic Teaching" and Culpability

2008-08-26T13:34:00.009-05:00

Commenting back to Paul in "Truth and Trust" I submitted the statement released by the USCCB responding to the remarks made by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (and referenced by Paul on the "Truth and Trust" post). Just as in this case (per USCCB) a prominent Catholic "misrepresented the history and nature of the authentic teaching of the Catholic Church," so too it has happened with HV over the years. I would like to propose a difference however regarding culpability.

As a protestant I was well aware that there were Catholics who didn't agree with the teaching of the Church on abortion, but I was also aware that there was consistent teaching; I was never under the impression that the teaching of the Church accepted abortion. However, I was totally unaware about the teaching on contraception. Upon becoming a Catholic and eventually hearing that there was such a teaching, it was presented as rather optional, a matter of personal conscience (the nature of which was also vague). The situation, in a very collapsed time frame, reminds me of the different way we see protestants now than we did during the reformation. I would like to refer you to the catechism beginning at paragraph 817. (Click here and scroll to "Wounds to Unity")

Note the beginning of p 818, "...one cannot charge with the sin of separation those who at present are born into those communities..." Now we should all be clear that the response to HV is a much more specific and limited scope than that to which the catechism speaks here. However, I see a similarity in that we have now a generation of Catholics who have perhaps been born into a period of confusion on the teaching of the Church on this issue as well as a culture that doesn't give any consideration to questioning the morality of contraception. This doesn't in any way lessen the validity of the teaching. It does however impact the culpability of those who perhaps are not following the teaching of HV, though not out of informed rebellion. Furthermore, it also guides our response to be one of continued "respect and affection." Finally it also challenges us to work toward more clear teaching of HV to promote vibrancy of faith and "Catholic unity."

My experience has been that we haven't so much shown respect and affection with those who ignore HV as we have simple silence, which works against forming a foundation of authentic unity. I think that overcoming silence with a charitable and faithful presentation of HV is more respectful of the person's dignity than not having the confidence in their willingness to consider the possiblity of conversion of heart and mind in this regard.

Encouraging one another to be fully engaged in being formed by the teachings of the Church (not just HV) through prayerful study of the catechism and church documents would strengthen us in being able to discern between authentic and mis- representation of what the Church believes, and equip us all to better share the faith with a questioning generation.

Comments are welcomed, I just don't have a question in mind:).

Mutual Giving of Self (and Freedom)

2008-08-26T09:24:00.005-05:00

I decided upon the title for this post from Peggy's comment on the last post. This is language that strikes a cord in our heart; HV also refers to the "reciprocal personal gift of self." The "characteristic marks and demands" of love between husband and wife are outlined in paragraph 9. Besides being "total," "faithful and exclusive until death," and "fecund," this marital love is "fully human." That this love is "fully human" is to highlight that while it is of the senses (no small thing, and certainly no shame!), it is not only of the senses, but is also of the spirit. It is then (even "principally") an act of "free will."

Without having been created with free will love wouldn't be love, faith wouldn't be faith, man couldn't be considered to be in the image of God; man's dignity would be diminished. Thankfully, we do have free will. But, HV adds that free will doesn't mean we are "free to proceed completely at will" (p 10). In our day to day affairs we understand that our freedom is limited when it impacts someone else.

Contraception may seem to be an area that, when mutually decided upon, within marriage, doesn't impact someone else, and as such should fall within an area for freedom and proper exercise of free will, respecting the rationality of the human person. There are at least two problems. First, we go back to the "fully human" understanding of conjugal love and remember that it includes the whole person, this includes a person's fertility. Contraception is a barrier to that total self giving.

Secondly, the narrow understanding of the limits of freedom above doesn't recognize any purpose or direction for the exercise of freedom. In contrast, HV links true freedom with the path of grace in light of a couple's "eternal vocation" (p 7), in the direction "of the communion of their beings in view of mutual personal perfection" (p 8). True freedom then takes into consideration the intention of the Creator and is the capacity to live up to the fullness of our dignity in cooperation with that design.

Marital love, expressed in the "mutual giving of self," is meant to be ordered to the good of the other. The true good of the other can only be discerned in light of the intention of the Creator. True freedom means we have the opportunity to exercise our free will in cooperation with that intention.

How might we apply this reminder about the nature of freedom? How do we see a distortion of freedom in our culture?

Truth and Trust

2008-08-24T21:00:00.003-05:00

I remember earlier this year, during the very beginning of Lent, hearing a homily, part of which I have often referred back to. The reminder was that sin is often related to a lack of trust in God, in His good intention toward us. The challenge that I took from that was to ask myself whether I really do trust God, do I trust that His plan is for my good, do I trust that He is involved with helping that good come to pass? Though the homily took a different direction, I held fast to this portion, and the issue of trust became one of the two main themes I embraced during the Lenten season. I remember wondering very specifically what it would be like if we were challenged to trust that the Holy Spirit really does provide divine assistance to the Church to protect her from teaching error in faith and morals, and that what she teaches comes from the Father who has only good intentions for us. We know from experience that what is for our good isn't always easy. It is clearly recognized in HV that to live the teaching faithfully takes both courage and faith (p 25). Responding to any teaching with courage requires confidence in the truth of the teaching. Responding with faith requires trust ultimately in God.

What is the interplay between truth, trust and your response to what you read in HV?

Start with prayer

2008-08-24T20:57:00.000-05:00

As we begin this week's discussion on HV, I would also like to invite us all to pray the August prayer intentions (click here) of the Holy Father. I am struck at how timely they are.

The general intention is about respect for creation, but it is more than a reiteration of the most recently added pillar of Catholic social teaching, caring for God’s creation. It links respect for the design to an awareness of the great gift. Right in the beginning of HV, in paragraph (p) 1, it refers to “God the Creator.” In p 8 we read “it is the wise institution of the Creator to realize in mankind His design of love” and we are called "not to be the arbiter of the sources of human life, but rather the minister of the design established by the Creator" (p 13). Pope Benedict in his embrace of environmental concerns seeks also to restore an appreciation of natural law, on which, in part, is founded the teaching of HV, p 4, 11.

When you read HV what was your response to the idea that it is grounded on natural law, that there is a fundamental design willed by God as Creator?

The mission intention compliments the general intention and the discussion. Our common response to God is a shared vocation to grow in holiness, this not only for ourselves, but as a "mission intention" clearly our holiness is meant to bring some benefit to those around us, as we encourage others to holiness and impact our culture. Being holy suggests being set apart for God's purpose. Perhaps that could also be understood as cooperating with His design as discussed above.

How did you see in HV the anticipated impact that cooperation (or not) with God's design would have on our culture?

Introductions

2008-08-24T20:55:00.001-05:00

In commenting to this first post I would like to encourage you to introduce yourself and perhaps your interest and/or experience with HumanaeVitae (HV). You know a little about me already, that I am the Respect Life Coordinator of the Diocese of Belleville. I have only been in the position since last November and am still getting to know the people and history of the diocese. We moved to this area from Colorado two years ago and have two high school students. The biggest joy since living here has been simply my husband’s being received into the Catholic Church this past Easter. I too am a convert and was received into the church in 2000.

You can perhaps guess from these details that HV was not a big influence on the first years of our married life. In fact, I will let you know up front that in the early years of our marriage it never occurred to us to consider contraception as a moral question. With it not being on our moral radar at all, we were quite comfortable making a permanent decision regarding fertility. This being the case, I hope there will be helpful participation from other couples who are engaging the challenges of HV and who can serve to strengthen and encourage one another.

This being said however doesn’t make me a disinterested party in the conversation. As the Body of Christ we really are called to walk alongside and share in the struggles and joys of one another, and our actions and their consequences reverberate throughout the community. As a member of this Body there is an objective unity created by the Holy Spirit, that is independent of my shared experience with you, and further motivates me to honor you. I look forward now to getting to know you.